2.3 Listening skills
Effective listening is at the heart of all good mentoing
Think back for a moment to when you were talking to someone, and you felt you weren鈥檛 being listened to e.g. a conversation with a partner, friend, or a colleague. What was happening give you the impression that you were not being listened to?
Perhaps you noticed one or more of the following:
- the other person was distracted – looking at their watch, making eye contact with others across your shoulder, fidgeting and/or yawning!
- the other person kept butting in with comments like 鈥渙h yes, that happened to me鈥� or with their own solutions – 鈥渨ell, if I were you, you should do鈥�.鈥�
- the other person was quick to change the subject onto something else.
When you listen to others have you ever found yourself?
- mind reading – trying to get inside the head of the person speaking without really listening to what he or she is saying.
- rehearsing what you will say next.
- judging – you have stopped listening because you have already made up your mind.
In any effective mentoring relationship, the ability of the mentor to listen to the other person genuinely and actively is essential. Sometimes all your mentee needs is a listening ear to help them to see their current reality or prioritise what should they do first. However, real, genuine listening takes concentration and effort. With practice, we can all improve our listening skills.
Are you an active listener?
Watch and listen to the clip below, considering which levels of listening you recognise using and when they were employed.
So, how do we get to level 5?
Consider how you prepare to listen. How you move from being a busy teacher into an effective mentor? What do you need to do in order to make the shift from one role to another?
Prepare to give 100% attention. Switch off your mobile phone, shut down your emails and turn away from your screen, get in the right zone where you can be fully present. Create a listening environment which is comfortable, discrete and cushioned from potential external interruptions.
Respond to what the other person is saying. Use verbal signals to show that you are listening and processing what the other person is saying. Respond with follow up reflective questions or reiterate what has been said, for example, 鈥渟o if I have got this right, you are saying that鈥�.鈥�
Observe and take note of the other person鈥檚 tone and body language and use non-verbal cues to show that you have heard the other person; your facial expressions can reveal whether you are truly listening or not
Let the other person speak. Try not to interrupt and try not to jump in with 鈥榶our鈥� ideas and solutions.
Be genuinely curious. Seek to learn something from what the other person is saying. Invite your trainee to summarise their thoughts if that feels helpful to them (this might be in the form of three take away points they want to flag up to you).
Encourage the speaker to be open and to explore their own thinking on a subject, through the use of silent pauses. This will take practice as most people are uncomfortable with silent pauses and often feel compelled to fill the gap by saying something. It is in these silent moments, when a person is given time to think and process their thinking, that they often find their own way froward. Holding silence is a powerful technique in mentoring and is a skill that can be honed with practice.
Bungay Stainer refers this impulse to jump in a solve your trainee鈥檚 dilemmas as our 'Advice Monster'. Advice can be useful but listening can be even more powerful. Watch this really interesting TED talk below (EDxUniversityofNevada on February 29, 2020) to hear more: